Relationship Revolution, Part 2: Why they can't all be "good women"

When you used to think of cheating in relationship, the thought always initially went to the man. Men were the poster children for infidelity. Even if the woman cheated, she was usually messing around with some “no good man”. That poor woman. She would’ve been faithful had that evil man not tempted her. However, things are different now. The title “home wrecker” isn’t as bad to some women. Yes, it seems that women have taken all that men have used against them and turned it around. I’m reminded of an old song, “Call Me”, by R & B singer Tweet. The line goes “I got a man, but he ain’t like you”. As if that’s a good enough reason to cheat.

There used to be a feeling among men that all you had to worry about a woman doing to you was taking all of your money. You never wanted to get caught up with a gold digger. She takes all of your money and gives you very little in the way of reciprocity. “You can look, but you can’t touch. Now, take me shopping”. Your wallet was fair game and if you got your heart broken, it was on you. Well, there’s a new worry out there now.

Fact: The expectations that were placed on a woman, that she will always take the high road and remain chaste, are long, long gone. In days past, a woman had to show that she was “open” before it was assumed. Men must now change the way that they approach women. Not only are they no longer naïve to the ways of man, they can school you if you’re not careful. You can’t assume the good girl any longer. It’s a good way to get your heart broken, and I speak from personal experience on that one. Just as a woman has always been taught to do with a man, you’d better let her earn that pedestal before you just put her up there.

Fact: The tables have turned on the female perspective on promiscuity. A man faces the same things that a woman faces on the dating/relationship landscape. Yes, check her phone and you may find as many dirty text messages and pictures from her to another man as you’d find in a man’s phone to his secret lover. Her equality is no longer based in her having the right to do as a man would do. Her equality is based on her actually doing what a man would do.

Now, men aren’t blameless in these developments. I maintain that women never knew about “the game” until we taught it to them. However, instead of setting us straight like they used to, they’ve found a way to work it to their advantage, and now they’re playing it better than we are.

Here’s something that women have found out over the last 20 years: A man’s heart is much more valuable than his wallet. If he’s got money, he can do a lot for you. But if he’s got love for you, he’ll do more than that. So, rather than go straight for the money, they aim for the heart now because they realize that everything else will follow.

Don’t get me wrong, the traditional gold digger still exists. They’ll still ignore you if you’re not driving the right car or wearing the right clothes. But the more sophisticated woman realizes that there are hidden treasures out there. There’s value in a man that drives a modest car, but owns property. There’s value in a man that doesn’t flaunt his money all over the place, but he has a good job that he’s been on for 10 plus years. While in the past, this information would’ve been used by women in search of a good husband, some have decided to use it to get over.

Women have every right to expect a man to do some financial things for them when they’re committed. That’s not gold digging. Where it becomes something different is when they don’t feel any sense of obligation for what they’re receiving. Again, they’re within their rights to do so and if you’re comfortable, so am I.

I imagine that women developed this mentality as a way to teach men a lesson. They wanted to show men what is was like to be mistreated. I don’t know if they thought it would become a way of life. I think they just wanted to set things right. I don’t think they realized that they can’t fix a man. They can only show him what he’s missing by not committing. I’ve stressed this in other pieces that I’ve done. Women have not attempted to change men’s minds as much as they have conformed to our way of thinking. They’re within their rights to do so, there’s no doubt about that. But how they expect anything to really change is beyond me.

As hard as some of them want to be these days, women are still emotional creatures. They’ve taken on a man’s behavior in the name of equality, but it’s still an emotional decision. Tired of being hurt and mistreated by men, they’ve decide that if it’s good for us, it’s great for them. But while a man will tell you that he doesn’t have an emotional reason for his behavior (and most times, he’s telling the truth) women still do.

If women sleep around, they do so because they feel it empowers them. They do it as a reaction to being hurt and mistreated. As crazy as it sounds, they do it to make themselves feel better. There’s a thought among men and women that when men sleep around, they have the power. Well, real power is in the hands of those that know how to control it. If a man is a slave to his body, how much power does he have? This is the dynamic that some women miss when they decide to behave as men do. Just because you’re making the decision as to whom you’ll sleep with doesn’t necessarily mean you have the power.

The idea of the bad girl is always a tricky thing to explain. Not only did they take what men were doing and perfect it on some level, in a sense, it almost seems justified. Had we been what we were supposed to be, maybe they don’t feel the need to be what some of them are now. I’ve had women tell me stories of some things that they’ve done that would have their mamas and daddies crying for days. And it wasn’t always in the name of being young and foolish. Some of it was in the name of revenge, retribution, freedom and empowerment.

Something I wrote about in my first book, Temporarily Disconnected, was the fact that the women’s lib movement was taken the wrong way by some women. It wasn’t a movement so that women could go out and start acting like men. Most women knew that a man’s behavior wasn’t correct. Having been scarred by that behavior, they had no desire to repeat it. Women simply wanted to have the same rights as men. They wanted to be treated as equals.

Having the right to do as men do and actually doing as men do are two different things. It’s like I used to tell my son, being grown doesn’t mean you get to do whatever you want to do. Being grown means having the wisdom to know that everything that you want to do and have the right to do isn’t necessarily good for you.

Understand that nothing I write here is 100% one way or the other. I get emails often from people that say “you’re wrong, that ain’t me and that ain’t any of my friends”. If something is written here that’s less than flattering and you don’t fall into that category, you should be proud and you should applaud yourself. But, let’s be real. If you’re a woman and you’re not characterized in these lines, you know someone who is, so let’s not pretend I’m crazy.

Women must remember that men haven’t changed. The only thing that has changed is women. Women have changed what they’re willing to do for a man and what they’re willing to take off a man. Men have tricked women into acting just as they do so that they can get what they want. They’ve taught them that this was always a good idea and they should join in. What men didn’t tell women was wasting their 20’s and early 30’s playing this game will never, ever work in a woman’s favor. That’s a great time for a woman to start a family, something I believe every woman wants, no matter what the talk shows tell you about the joys of being single. “Me time” shouldn’t last forever.

What men never told women is even after a man has played around in his 20’s and 30’s, a man can still settle down and have the family he wants, kids and all. A man’s baggage isn’t quite like a woman’s baggage. This isn’t chauvinistic. Just think about what I’m saying. If a woman’s body is worn down from “living” and she has a couple kids by a couple different men, her prospects are always significantly different than a man in the same position. A woman has more to consider. For example, her kids probably live with her while his kids live with their mothers. His flexibility hasn’t been compromised to the same degree that hers has.

Those men that are still looking to settle down have to accept the fact that the game is full of games right now. Most of us know that because we were the ones perpetuating it all when we were out there. Women aren’t taught the same things that they were taught in days past. While they were once taught to never allow abuse to their bodies, they’re now taught to use it gain advantages. They’re more about the come up than the commitment.

All you need to know is nothing is absolute. There are still some good women out there that remained true to the cause, just as there are good men. There are still some good women out there that had enough foresight to realize that playing our game never was and never will be the best move. It’s like I used to tell a friend of mine: I can teach you how to play the game, but you have to learn how to win on your own.